i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
