community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
