If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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