uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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