I think im going to throw up on grandma
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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