I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
