i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize