I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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