Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So apparently I’m into choking now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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