Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
