Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
