I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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