i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
