Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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