I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
