I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
