I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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