Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
