Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
