I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im six kinds of drunk right now
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
