My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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