so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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