what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
