Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
