What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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