Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
