nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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