Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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