He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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