worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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