Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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