it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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