I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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