youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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