Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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