OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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