That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
