my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
