Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
