Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize