Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
