Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
