Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
