Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
