I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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