Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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