atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You are the jesus of drinking
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
