Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
