bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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