worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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