How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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