Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
