I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
