I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize