and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
