are you still at the devil's house?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
