Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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