He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
