Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
